HPLHS SaniTest(TM)


Answer each question below to the best of your ability. When finished, click the "Assessment" button at the end. To get accurate results, please answer each question honestly. It is pointless to try to outwit the test. Remember that psychiatry is really more of an art than a science, and your answers will most likely not be turned over to authorities or used against you in a court of law.
Ready to take the SaniTest (TM)?? Begin... 1. Which item is most useful? a shovel a rope a pencil a blowtorch a dead fish 2. Which would you rather have? a crucifix a bazooka a crystal ball a camera a towel 3. Which of the following makes you most uncomfortable? descending into dangerous, dark, enclosed, foul-smelling places the gnawing feeling that you're being watched being reminded that you're a pawn of cosmic forces beyond your comprehension social interaction with your peers having your fingernails ripped out with a pair of pliers 4. Circus clowns are frightening hilarious all around me misunderstood annoying 5. How often do you wash your hands? occasionally whenever they're covered with blood every three minutes and thirteen seconds the whole reason I wear the gloves is so that I don't HAVE to wash my hands I have no hands 6. Asenath Waithe's biggest problem was her father her husband her husband's meddling friends her lack of self control her self-image 7. Wilbur Whately's biggest problem was his brother library fines finding clothes that fit well neighborhood dogs Dunwich zoning laws 8. Herbert West's biggest problem was freshness waste disposal Dr. Allan Halsey Major Sir Eric Moreland Clapham-Lee Brian Yuzna 9. The most merciful thing in the world is the end of a Teletubbies episode a drunken haze the inability of the human mind to correlate its contents furthest from reach ignorance 10. The word "R'lyeh" rhymes with delay bougainvillea pariah tortilla nothing any human tongue can pronounce 11. An Elder Sign is shaped like a star shaped like a tree completely useless difficult to draw while running in the dark a good idea for a tattoo 12. When you're in an insane asylum and you find a door that's marked "Secret Laboratory: Keep Out!" you should keep out go in call the police and wait outside the door until they arrive burn the place down go back to your cell 13. You are being attacked by ghouls. Your gun has six bullets. How many do you fire at the ghouls? none five six 14. The walls of your upstairs bedroom have begun to bleed. What should you do? slowly back out of the room and continue walking backwards down the stairs to safety scream and throw yourself out of the nearest window wrap yourself in a blanket and hide under the bed until help arrives 15. If you could have one and only one of the following, which would you choose? immortality omniscience invisibility 16. Appearances to the contrary, the world is governed in secret by a super-powerful cabal of fabulously wealthy occultists. true false what do you mean 'appearances to the contrary'? 17. Birds come in flocks. Sheep come in herds. Mi-Go come in battalions swarms droves pale leprous hordes my dreams 18. If you heard Frank say "That Bob, he's a deep one," you would take it as a compliment a reason to shoot Bob a reason to shoot Frank 19. In an emergency, a lobotomy is best performed with a screwdriver a coat hanger a nail gun alcohol a chainsaw 20. Electro-convulsive therapy (shock treatment) can cause short-term memory failure short-term memory failure 21. Which is easiest to escape from? a straitjacket handcuffs a giant marauding squid jury duty your own self-doubts 22. Do you like to cook? yes no 23. Does the top of your head feel soft? yes no 24. If you want to get from Damascus to Baghdad as quickly as possible and it's 1927, you should steal a camel call the Nairn Transport Company summon a Byakhee hijack a zeppelin 25. Have you ever seen the Sphinx come to life? just that one time don't be ridiculous not in this century no, my attention was distracted by the hordes of jackal-headed minions that were trying to kill me 26. Do you frequently hear voices even when no one is speaking? yes no 27. Do the voices encourage you to do things that make you uncomfortable? yes no 28. Do you have trouble forming intimate relationships? yes shut up! 29. The glass is... half empty half full of something very unpleasant a crude but effective weapon 30. What is the first thing that comes to your mind? donuts the ocean paralyzing fear 31. Do you ever have a sense of deja vu? yes no 32. Do you ever have a sense of deja vu? yes no 33. Do you ever wake up screaming? yes I do not sleep the sound of screaming is a lullabye to me 34. Reality is unknowable overrated an illusion a dismal joke what you make it 35. Do you feel comfortable and 'part of the gang' at parties or in bars, or do you feel alienated from society and resent the happiness other people seem to feel? yes no 36. The laughter of children reminds you most of death your own childhood your grocery list 37. Do you like to dress up in funny clothes? yes no 38. Do you like to drink coffee? yes no 39. How often do you like to do you-know-what? daily occasionally I do not like it 40. Are you plagued with facial tics or other involuntary muscle spasms? yes no it's a side effect, not a plague 41. Did you by any chance witness the horrific murder of your own parents or find a mutilated corpse in your bathroom? parents corpse both neither 42. Finish this series: conception, birth, life, death,... decomposition revenge eternal damnation snacking reanimation 43. Finish this series: The Haunter of the Dark, The All-Seeing Eye, The Bloody Tongue,... The Cirrhotic Liver The Gangrenous Extremities The Crawling Chaos The Impudent Rascal The End of All Knowing 44. Fill in the blank: 'Oh god no, please don't ____' kill me! let me fall! turn on the light! tell anyone! ever stop! 45. Fill in the blank: 'Look at that mausoleum! If only I'd brought my ____' crowbar. protective talisman. sketch pad. dynamite. shopping cart. \| Last updated by Leman/Branney on Monday, February 1, 2004. Accesses: 1906